I posted on this blog exactly four months ago today. While I have continued to write every day since my miscarriage last year, I stopped publishing blog posts. I didn’t feel that I had any positive insights to share. Most of my writings were dark and depressing and I didn’t believe that they would give anyone hope. What I had written also seemed unfinished and I didn’t feel right about sharing. Instead of providing insights that would help someone continue to put one foot in front of the other, I had written a string of random thoughts without any silver linings. I made the tough decision to break my promise and I stopped my blog. It wasn’t a decision that I came to overnight but rather one of those things that happened gradually. On Saturday mornings I would sit down to publish a post and I would question the words on the screen. With each passing week the posts just did not make it to the blog.
Since my last post in February, life has handed me more than my fair share of heartache. I wake up every single morning waiting for the next bad thing to happen. Trials and tribulations are our new normal and I have come to expect the worst. We have lost grandmothers unexpectedly. We sat by and watched cancer take my mother-in-law away from us far too soon. We have faced the loss of another baby, this time with an emergency surgery due to an ectopic pregnancy. We simply cannot handle any more. It’s hard to want to push the publish button on blog posts that are full of so much negativity. They simply do no good.
I thought the miscarriage in November had taught me all of the tough lessons. Boy was I wrong! That’s the thing about life – there are endless lessons ahead for us all. There will continue to be heartache, loss and grief in my life. This won’t be the last of the bad things to come. I’ve been left with a choice and that’s the best part of it all. As I sit here ready to publish this blog post, I am faced with a choice.
Option 1: curl up in a ball, crawl into a dark hole and count all the ways that life is so unfair
Option 2: get up off my ass and move forward
I had the privilege of talking with many of my mother-in-law’s friends at her memorial service and hearing all kinds of stories about the woman that she was and the positive ways that she impacted other’s lives. It made me realize that when that day comes for me, I want to be remembered as the person who didn’t let the tough stuff stand in the way. I want my friends and family to remember me as strong and resilient. I want to leave this world better than I found it. So for those reasons, I choose option 2. I will continue to write. I probably will not publish as frequently as I had initially intended to when I started this blog. I will publish posts when I feel confident they teach the lessons that matter the most to me. Lessons of encouragement, love, passion, perseverance, and faith.
There is light at the end of that tunnel my friends, I promise.