Day 12: Brave

I stumbled upon this video twelve days after my miscarriage. Joe Biden is an amazing man so, it’s only fitting to publish this post the week that he was awarded the Presidential Medal of Freedom.  To learn about Joe Biden’s life and hear directly from him what it’s like to experience profound loss and grief, but still get back up and go on, it is motivating and uplifting.

After watching this, I felt brave. I was ready to face the world and prove that even though I had experienced a miscarriage, it wasn’t going to keep me down. I was going to get back up. For the first time in a long time I felt an intense urge to do something with my creative energy. I wanted to make a difference, to do something that would be a light for others in this world.

For years, I had loved to read and write. When I was young, I had what felt like every Little Golden Book. My favorites were The Poky Little Puppy and The Fuzzy Duckling. As I got older I transitioned to The Baby Sitters Club and Sweet Valley High. I looked forward to any opportunity, birthdays, Easter, Christmas to collect a Super Snooper Edition! Over the summers, I anxiously awaited the summer reading list and was excited about writing the book reports. I started to lose my love of reading and writing around middle or highschool when we were forced to read books, like Bridge to Terabithia and The Odyssey, and write lengthy essays with analyses of protagonists and subplots.

I took some creative writing classes in college and found my groove again, but then the real world set in and I stopped writing. I still read the occasional New York Times Bestseller, but as the years sped along and life got busier, I stopped reading altogether.

Last year I started reading again. I felt like a kid, staying up late, trying not to get caught, reading until it was entirely too late. I found immense joy in getting lost in a good book. But beyond a business or strategic plan, I still didn’t write.

The best advice I got after my miscarriage was to write down my feelings. Writing about such a tough experience helped me clear my head, helped me process my emotions, and looking back on my feelings months down the road helped me feel pride in how far I had come. I now looked forward to the 5:30am alarm and finding a quiet moment in my day to write.

It was a few days after the miscarriage when I realized there wasn’t any help out there for women like me. As I’ve written about before, there were plenty of self-help articles, blog posts, and books about women who went on to have perfectly healthy and happy families. But there wasn’t anything, at least in my opinion, that felt raw and real. It was then that I thought about starting this blog.

I was hesitant. Did I really want the entire world to know my deepest, darkest thoughts? Would it be a waste of time? What if I put this time and effort into writing and creating and no one paid attention to it? What would be even worse is if nobody else found it helpful.

But then I realized none of that mattered. The truth was, writing and publishing a blog was about finding solace. Here’s the thing about times of distress and sadness, we are given a real chance to analyze ourselves and analyze our lives. In my analysis, I realized that I didn’t do the things that gave me joy. How did I go from being a kid on a never-ending quest to see how brave I was by trying all kinds of new things to an adult who worried about failing and what other people thought? There was great joy to be found in learning something new, the challenge of figuring something out, and the relief and excitement that came with mastering that new skill.

The process I’d been through since my miscarriage gave me a chance to find that feeling again. I was invigorated. I’d written more in the last 12 days than I had in 12 years. I was challenged, dusting off my grammar skills and putting my creative writing teachings back to use. It was exciting and I was giddy.  After completing a blog post, a massive smile would cross my face and I’d feel immense accomplishment and pride in myself and in my work. It had been a long time since I’d had that feeling and it felt good. So I made the decision to go for it and start this blog.

As Joe Biden had said, “Out of everything terrible that happens, something good will come if you look hard enough.”.

While I hadn’t wanted this to happen, when I looked hard enough I found my former self. Take time for yourself. It was a lesson I was glad to take away from this tragedy. And I hoped when I became a mom again, it would make me a better one.

I challenge you to learn something new, pick-up an old hobby, dust off those childhood skills. There’s something enlightening about remembering what it’s like to do things for yourself; things that make you happy, regardless of how others respond.

Find your joy and keep the faith,

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