I woke up this morning feeling normal. I didn’t cry, which I’m pretty sure is the first time that has happened since my miscarriage. I wasn’t sitting around waiting for the other shoe to drop or waiting for things to take a turn for the worse. I honestly felt calm, collected and like an actual human being.
At first this worried me. Was that too fast to have grieved through this process? How was it that in only 11 days I could feel like this? But then I remembered back to what people had told me and what I had told myself – any feeling is a normal feeling to have.
There are some of you who may be following and reading my blog who have also struggled to Motherhood. My purpose has always been to give others a place to go when they feel alone. And I realized today that perhaps I haven’t given that to everyone. Not because I haven’t wanted to, but because until now my feelings have largely revolved around sadness and pain. All of us are struggling through different things in our lives, my first blog post talks more about that. So what about those of you who haven’t felt angry or immense sadness surrounding a pregnancy loss? What about those who feel normal?
Here’s the thing, that is absolutely, 100%, ok. Take a minute to really sit with this thought and truly believe that. I was worried, that by feeling normal, I was somehow a bad person or that I didn’t deserve to be happy after such a loss. That’s not true. It doesn’t make me a heartless person to have positive feelings. If you’re there with me, cut yourself some slack.
One of the most powerful lessons I learned throughout this process was truly, cutting myself some slack. I’ve always been a capable person who felt that I owed the world something every single day. I’ve always shown up, people know they can count on me. This process taught me, however, that I needed to count on myself right now. I needed to give myself a break. I needed to be kinder to my self.
Here are some other things that I’ve learned about handling a pregnancy loss in the last 11-days:
1. There is no right or wrong way to feel. Feeling how you feel is allowed. And you don’t owe an explanation to anyone, including yourself.
2. There is no timeframe on grief. Grief isn’t linear, it ebbs and flows. You might feel sadness one day and happiness the next, and that’s allowed too. If you are feeling “normal”, but find yourself moving towards a different emotion later, let it happen.
3. Your support system will show up and shut up. You’re not going to have to face this journey alone. You’ll find out who you can truly count on. They’ll be there when you need them, but at some point the cards will stop coming, the calls and texts will dwindle, people get on with their life and forget that your grief is still there. At some point you will have to face the silence. It doesn’t mean people don’t care. Remind yourself of that over and over again.
4. Silence is a powerful thing. The silence is where things get scary, but it’s also where you can find your true self. It’s where the tears will fill your eyes and you can feel the power of God at work in your heart. It’s where we’re reminded of what’s really important in this life. It’s where the power to heal lies.
5. Bless and Release. People will say insensitive things to you. And it’s going to happen more than once. Let it go. Bless the person and then release. And repeat when the emotions return. Do not hold onto frustrations and anger. Do not hold grudges.
I’m going to enjoy this feeling for as long as it lasts. Take care of yourself and don’t beat yourself up over your emotions, whether they’re positive or negative.